Arctic sea ice has reached yet another winter low this year; National Snow and Ice Data Center director Mark Serreze reported, “I’ve never seen such a warm, crazy winter in the Arctic; the heat was relentless.”

Not to worry; every looming disaster opens the floodgates to commercial possibility. Enter the luxury cruise ship, Crystal Serenity:

IN CRYSTAL SERENITY WE WATCH THE MOVIE OF OUR OWN DISAPPEARANCE

Here are the credits for the movie, as provided by the executive producer, Extinction, Inc. :

We are delighted to see a ventriloquist on board, and with a soundtrack of Billy Joel floating through the movie, what could possibly go wrong?

˜˜˜˜˜

Passengers are advised to make certain they are decked out in proper apparel. No burkinis, s’il vous plait.

ESSENTIALS FOR A BEAR, LAID BARE; WAIT, WHAT?

˜˜˜˜˜

YES, BUT WILL I FIND ANY RARE POKEMONS THERE?

˜˜˜˜˜

On this day, August 25, the vessel is traversing the Beaufort Sea. Boring!!! What to do? The concierge recommends that you “write your story” as follows:

˜˜˜˜˜

Passengers will need ample recovery time after playing a few rounds of golf on the planet’s most northerly links:

What tales to share with the grandchildren! What fun we had, putting with the “native residents” upon artificial greens!

Ah, but for every Grand Party, there is sure to be a Grand Pooper, and so it goes with the Crystal Serenity, in the voice of Michael Byers, who holds the Canada Research Chair in Global Politics and International Law at the University of British Columbia, and is — sigh — listed as part of the cruise “enrichment program”:

˜˜˜˜˜

OK, enough already with with the Debbie Downer doom and gloom: we have an appointment to have our every whim catered for, poolside. Properly attired, bien sûr!

IT’S ALL GOOD!